Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
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duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Autocarrot sucks!
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”