My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
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When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.