*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
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As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Safety first
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]