Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
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Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”