[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
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[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
My daily affirmation
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.