Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
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Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
こいつ天才
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
got so much cardio in today
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no