doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
a fate I wish upon no one
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.