Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
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Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Love this guy