“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
You Might Also Like
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
The first matador
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Life with a cat in one tweet
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
uh oh
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.