*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
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this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE