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Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.