My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
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never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle