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INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..