america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
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[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Happy birthday to all the women
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Herpes is trending, good job people
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.