My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
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Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
This guy’s not having it 😆
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Not all heroes wear capes…
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online