Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
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Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
ouch
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
not seeing the problem
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️