He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.