How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
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If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Saint West, the patron of selfies
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.