Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
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I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too