God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
You Might Also Like
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Me irl
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I love twitter
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.