That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
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Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Siri: Retweet me.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup