What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
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Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Are you ok, human???
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
*limbos under the caution tape
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?