Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
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[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
bias laundering edition
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*