[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
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Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?