“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
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I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come