I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
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What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.