A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
You Might Also Like
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
When a shoelace touches your ankle