8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
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scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Bruh PLEASE
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Kids: Stay in school.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
If you breakdance you buy dance.