My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
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Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Accurate
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
shit just got real
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
That’s easy for you to say
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.