ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
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Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Never be a pizza!
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
When I pack too much for a short trip.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.