Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
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to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit