πππ <– lunar eclipse
πππ <– solar eclipse
πππ <– apocalypse
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When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Iβve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I wouldβve been a really good drug dealer.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
me: you can get hurt when you donβt listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but thatβs not the point
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
It wasnβt until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
#Caturday
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I’m confused about plants
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: donβt undress the deceased
Iβm a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I donβt
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like βWhy donβt dogs have belly buttons?β
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said βplease answer survey!β
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if youβve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure youβre all right. I keep telling them I donβt know what work is but they still keep calling me anywayβ¦
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
β¦
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible π
date: yes π
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I forgot the word βretainerβ and called my sonβs mouthpiece βbraces: part 2.β