STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
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doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
In Canada they just call them geese
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
🙁
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.