British websites use biscuits.
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interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.