[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
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cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.