Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
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18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong