Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
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Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Huge, if true.
how to exercise your calf muscles
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.