Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
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Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
those birds must be on payroll
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook