Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
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“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
They’re on their honeymoon
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
yeah not falling for this one
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.