I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
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That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.