Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
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I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.