Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
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While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Can’t, holding a grudge
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests