Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
You Might Also Like
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Seems a bit forward
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.