There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
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Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
as is their right
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “