fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
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Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
He’s cranky this morning
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…