My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
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me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!