If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
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Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
Owl Sanctuary
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”