You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
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My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
calling in to work dehydrated
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.