The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
You Might Also Like
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself