‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
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We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die